You wanted some jokes, how about some George Carlin one liners in memory of George?
Originally posted: June 23, 2008 Chicago Tribune Our favorite George Carlin one-liners · I typed the word Google into Google. Guess what came up? Everything. · You know what would be fun? To have a set of twins, name them Dumbo and Goofy and then just sit back and see how their personalities develop. I’ll bet they’d really enjoy going to school everyday. · I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade. · In this country, alcohol is hardly ever seen as a drug problem. Instead, we think of it as more of a driving problem. · I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt. · There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this? · You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. · I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don’t talk, he works out alone, and I go home. · Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook. · You know what's fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks. · People on a diet should have a salad dressing called "250 Islands." · If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? · Here's my idea for another one of those "reality-based" TV shows: "No Survivors!" One by one, a psychopathic serial killer tracks down and kills all of the "Survivor" survivors. Think of it as a public service. · You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. · Regarding jam sessions: jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue working for free. · Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love? · I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Café, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on the wall. · When you think about it, 12:15 p.m. is actually 11:75 a.m. · Joan Rivers turned into one of the people she used to make fun of. · I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. · One thing nice about being dead is that you immediately become eligible to appear on stamps and money. —Compiled by Michael Pasternak and Kevin Pang
4 comments:
GREETINGS STOP YOU'RE ALMOST DONE STOP YOU'LL MAKE IT STOP KEEP GOING STOP DON'T STOP STOP
WILL BE THERE AUGUST 8TH STOP HANG ON UNTIL THEN STOP CAN'T WAIT STOP
Hee, you guys crack me up. :)
Done:
50 monologue-style jokes
12 script pages (1 B-plot)
To do:
32 script pages (A- and C-plots)
comedy class homework, tbd
job-like things
not go crazy
You wanted some jokes, how about some George Carlin one liners in memory of George?
Originally posted: June 23, 2008 Chicago Tribune
Our favorite George Carlin one-liners
· I typed the word Google into Google. Guess what came up? Everything.
· You know what would be fun? To have a set of twins, name them Dumbo and Goofy and then just sit back and see how their personalities develop. I’ll bet they’d really enjoy going to school everyday.
· I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
· In this country, alcohol is hardly ever seen as a drug problem. Instead, we think of it as more of a driving problem.
· I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt.
· There are caregivers and there are caretakers, and yet the two words are not opposites. Why is this?
· You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
· I have an impersonal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don’t talk, he works out alone, and I go home.
· Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
· You know what's fun? Go to a German restaurant and insist on using chopsticks.
· People on a diet should have a salad dressing called "250 Islands."
· If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
· Here's my idea for another one of those "reality-based" TV shows: "No Survivors!" One by one, a psychopathic serial killer tracks down and kills all of the "Survivor" survivors. Think of it as a public service.
· You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
· Regarding jam sessions: jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue working for free.
· Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?
· I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Café, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on the wall.
· When you think about it, 12:15 p.m. is actually 11:75 a.m.
· Joan Rivers turned into one of the people she used to make fun of.
· I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
· One thing nice about being dead is that you immediately become eligible to appear on stamps and money.
—Compiled by Michael Pasternak and Kevin Pang
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